A Cry For Help

"Why don't I just kill myself then? I'm too f***ing weird to be alive!!"

That was the anguished cry that exploded from my youngest son, Tanner. It was October 2006. My 12 year old son had been struggling for 3 years to cope in school and I was struggling to find a way to help him. And it had all culminated on this one Fall morning, when he could cope no longer. It started a journey that at first upended my entire family and called into question everything I knew about parenting my children and slowly, over time has drawn my children and I closer than I had ever imagined.

I had mentioned for years to doctors and teachers that my youngest baby seemed to be autistic, that his behaviours and idiosyncracies all led me to believe he may be autistic. I was told that he couldn't be. That he was going through developmental phases, that he was lazy, that he had ADHD, that he had a learning disability and needed to be placed in the class designed for those children. I heard it all from the people that should have known better. As far as I knew, you had low-functioning autism or you didn't. That there was an Autistic Spectrum was news to me.

I had taken all I could. My child was at rock bottom. Did I think he would really go so far as to commit suicide? No. The blunt questions I asked him told me that he was crying out for help in the only way he knew how. He needed my attention and he had picked a darn good way to get it. I called the school, trying to tell them that he really needed to be moved out of the class he was in. He was over-loading in an environment that was completely ill-suited to his needs. I was met with a resounding "NO". I was told he was being manipulative, that he didn't like school and was playing me. I wept. I swore. I took him to the doctor, who told me he needed to be medicated. I took him to the children's mental health clinic. I was met with "if the doctor says, what makes you think....?" We were both crushed. I cried, he withdrew even further.

I went home, not knowing where to go next. My answer came from the oddest place, a television drama that mentioned something called "Asperger's Syndrome" and what that is. I ran to the computer and typed the name. I started reading. I read for 2 days. In amongst the list of characteristics was my Tanner. It was unmistakable. I bought book after book and read them all. I researched the Internet, watched videos, printed binders full of information. Within 4 days we were back at the mental health clinic and this time we didn't leave until I was heard and an appointment with a therapist was scheduled. I called the school. What I told them surprised even me. Tanner was not going to be coming back to school until I had an IPP meeting with the staff and therapist and he was moved to a mainstream class. They asked if I would like to be reported to the truancy advisor. I told them they could go right ahead, I called her myself and told her why he would no longer be in class. He was out of school for 3 weeks before they finally took me seriously.

In the meantime I had read books on Asperger's, advocacy, the laws governing the federal, provincial and municipal levels of education. I had become a force to contend with. (Not bad for an extremely shy woman who previously had nearly cried whenever she had to attend a simple parent teacher interview) And Tanner had calmed down and was slowly returning to the child that we all adored. He saw a therapist at the clinic and she had a pediatric psychiatrist who specializes in Autistic Spectrum Disorders come from another city to meet with him. Before that happened we had arranged for him to be back in a mainstream class with modifications that I had specified. He was doing far better than he had in years. In February 2007, he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and a severe non-verbal learning disability. It had taken 11 long years of trying to get someone to see what I saw in his behaviour and to finally get some answers.

An Extraordinary View

I am the blessed mother of 4 children. That isn't anything unusual. Most mothers feel that way about their kids. What is unusual, and what gives me cause to contemplate just how blessed I am, is that the 4 children I spend my days with are all on the Autistic Spectrum. They are all unique, fascinating individuals who have opened my eyes to a way of seeing the world that is at times hilarious and refreshing, at times confusing and painful. I have gone from trying to find a way to fix them, to change what to me seemed an insurmountable disability, to seeing the world through their eyes.

This blog is the story of our journey together. It is about watching the people I love cope in a world that is just beginning to understand what Asperger's Syndrome (AS) and other Autistic Spectrum Disorders are all about. It's about each of my 4 children, Spencer, Taylor, Tanner and Annie. It's also about me, the daughter of a man who seems to have AS, the mother of sons with AS, mother to a daughter with PDD-NOS, and the friend of many brilliant people with AS.